How to win friends and influence people in Three Sentences
The book distills many ground principles for building successful relationships, using many relevant case studies and memorable details from ordinary people to those influential ones in the western hemisphere on this planet. Given the book`s popularity, everyone who live in the west would want to communicate applying some of these. Reading the book is an intimate and immersive experience that is intended to shift mind frame.
Top three timeless learnings that moved me
It is always important to have a genuine positive facial expression, drama, and even courtesy. When you do not feel anything, be honest and refrain from faking it. Trust that it will serve you and people around you in the long haul, even if for some it is a tempting choice to choreograph these to please others. Even in the digital era, these elements can work well in a remote meeting.
More appreciation, less criticism. Appreciation can solve people's problems, and if not, it cannot go wrong. Be genuine and be spot-on if you can. Criticizing people can easily go awry. If you have to criticize, be particularly careful about what to criticize and the way you do it.
The true ingredient of being interesting is to be interested. There is nothing wrong with researching and investing in others' interests. To play the social game, you need to discover others' interests and adapt to them.
Three short critiques for better understanding
1/ The author did research based on interviews and a case studies. While much stuff is rich in detail and acquired from first-hand materials with famous and ordinary people alike, the approach can be a bit generic and limited to conditions applied. The book should be read with American context before WWII, thinking about the author was born in the same era with Thomas Edison, Wright Brothers and Guglielmo Marconi.
2/ Probably out of Mr. Dale Carnegies awareness, he misquoted Confucius in the book. As someone who is well aware of Confucius and can recite many verses in Confucius best book Analects, I can tell you Confucius did not actually says:”Dont complain about the snow on neighbors roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.” It is from a book named Shi Lin Guang Ji by Chen Yuanjing, a Song scholar. All results on the first page of Google misquote it.
3/ According to Dale Carnegie, in a conversation, make the tasks look as easy as possible. It may be a big turn off when you focus on details of task completion in a customer onboarding process, sales pitch or initial presentation. But in the digital age, customer experience often matters more than closing a sale. You don`t make tasks seem easy in a few conditions. A. The information you choose not to include could give the person much more trouble later when completing the task on their own. B. The customer may have trouble completing the task due to personal factors like disability. To make the task look easy may cause frustration later. In such case, always be genuinely helpful rather than be easy.
How did I Discover the book
The book was mentioned by a YouTuber named Kevin Liang in his YouTube video.
Who Should Read it
There are three groups of people who urgently need the book, even if I`d say everyone could benefit something from this book, since communication is a cornerstone of our society and key to success.
1/ Professionals who need to push out of their comfort zone to interact with people
2/ Students
3/ People who want to learn how to socialize in western culture
Three Ways of reading the book
1/ Read with a burning desire to learn in the context of the application of those techniques.
2/ Reflection constantly over how and when to apply each suggestion when reading this book.
3/ While reading the book, observe how others around you apply those techniques to expand the learnings from these historical case study to a broader context.
Summary chapter by chapter (maybe errors due to variants in versions)
Chapter 1: "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"
In this chapter, Carnegie emphasizes the importance of avoiding criticism and condemnation. He encourages readers to show appreciation and praise others sincerely. The key principle here is that people have a fundamental desire to feel important and appreciated.
The Big Secret of Dealing with People:
This section introduces the central idea that appreciation and praise are powerful tools for influencing and winning people over. The chapter's key principle is that people have a basic desire to feel important and appreciated, and giving sincere praise helps fulfill this need.
Why Criticism Doesn't Work: Criticism often leads to defensiveness and resentment.
A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression: The power of appreciation and praise.
Chapter 2: "The Big Secret of Dealing with People"
Six Ways to Make People Like You: Carnegie presents six principles for winning people over, such as showing a genuine interest in others, listening attentively, and making the other person feel important. He stresses the significance of remembering and using people's names. Carnegie outlines the first principle, which is to become genuinely interested in other people. He stresses the importance of showing a sincere interest in others and their concerns. "A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression" The author introduces the value of a smile as a simple yet effective way to make a positive impression. He also highlights the importance of showing appreciation and praise sincerely. "If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble" This section underscores the significance of remembering and using people's names. Carnegie suggests that a person's name is the sweetest sound to them in any language and that using it respectfully can create goodwill. "An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist" Carnegie discusses the importance of being a good listener and encouraging others to talk about themselves. He suggests that showing a genuine interest in others and their experiences is a key aspect of building rapport. "How to Interest People" This section emphasizes talking in terms of the other person's interests. Carnegie explains that conversations should revolve around subjects that genuinely interest the other person to establish a connection. "How to Make People Like You Instantly" Carnegie revisits the significance of a smile, appreciation, and remembering names as techniques to create an immediate liking when you meet someone new.
Chapter 3: "He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way"
How to Make People Like You Instantly:
This chapter discusses the importance of a sincere smile, appreciation, and a genuine interest in others as ways to make people like you immediately. Carnegie also highlights the value of active listening.
Principles for creating an immediate liking.
The Value of a Smile: A sincere smile can win people over.
A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression: Show appreciation and praise sincerely.
If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble: The importance of remembering and using people's names.
Chapter 4: "You Can't Win an Argument"
Carnegie introduces strategies for persuading others to see your point of view. This includes avoiding arguments, showing respect for others' opinions, and letting others save face.
Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking: Strategies for persuading others.
You Can't Win an Argument: Arguing often leads to resentment, not agreement.
A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It: Avoiding criticism and condemnation.
If You're Wrong, Admit It: The power of admitting mistakes.
A Drop of Honey: Giving praise and appreciation.
The Secret of Socrates: Asking questions to guide others to your point of view.
Chapter 5: "The Sincere Appreciation of Others"
"The Importance of Appreciation"
Carnegie highlights the significance of sincerely appreciating others. He emphasizes that people have a deep need to feel valued and appreciated.
"A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression"
The author explains that a simple smile and a genuine compliment can v make an excellent first impression on others. He encourages readers to
v practice giving compliments honestly and without flattery.
"Making People Feel Important"
Carnegie discusses the importance of making others feel important. He v provides examples and anecdotes illustrating how this can be achieved
v through sincere praise and recognition.
Chapter 6: "How to Make People Like You"
"Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want"
The author discusses the concept of arousing an eager want in others. v He explains that to make people like you, it's essential to understand
v and cater to their desires and motivations.
"Getting What You Want"
Carnegie emphasizes the importance of understanding the other
v person's point of view and aligning your requests with their interests.
v By doing so, you can increase your chances of getting what you want.
"Three Things You Want to Know"
In this section, the author describes the three fundamental things you v v want to know when dealing with others. This knowledge can help you
v connect with people and make them like you more.
Chapter 7: "Let the Other Person Feel That the Idea Is His or Hers"
You Can't Win an Argument:
Carnegie advises against arguing with others, as it often leads to v resentment. He suggests that it's more productive to avoid arguments
v and find common ground.
A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It:
v The chapter explores the negative consequences of telling someone they are v wrong. Carnegie stresses the importance of avoiding criticism and v finding ways to encourage cooperation instead.
If You're Wrong, Admit It:
Carnegie advocates for humility and willingness to admit when you are v v v v wrong, which helps build trust and fosters better relationships.
A Drop of Honey:
Carnegie introduces the idea that kindness and appreciation are more effective v in influencing people than criticism. He emphasizes the power of encouragement.
Chapter 8: "Make the Other Person Feel Important—and Do It Sincerely"
Do This and You'll Be Welcome Anywhere:
Carnegie discusses the impact of making others feel important. He emphasizes the importance of genuine appreciation and compliments.
A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You:
The chapter provides a formula for making people feel important, which involves showing genuine interest in them, listening attentively, and acknowledging their contributions.
What Everybody Wants:
Carnegie explores the universal desire for a feeling of importance. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and appreciating the value in others.
An Appeal That Everybody Likes:
The chapter discusses the power of appealing to noble motives in others. Carnegie suggests that people are more likely to cooperate when their noble motives are recognized
Chapter 9: How to Get Others to Agree with You
You Can't Win an Argument
Carnegie begins by emphasizing that arguing with others is generally unproductive and counterproductive. It often leads to resistance and resentment, making it difficult to persuade people to your point of view.
A Sure Way of Making Enemies - And How to Avoid It
The author discusses the dangers of criticism and condemnation. When we criticize others, they tend to become defensive and resentful. This section underscores the importance of avoiding negative judgments.
If You're Wrong, Admit It
Carnegie advises readers to acknowledge their mistakes openly and without hesitation. Admitting when you are wrong is a powerful way to build trust and credibility with others. It shows humility and honesty.
A Drop of Honey
This section focuses on the power of praise and appreciation. Carnegie recommends using sincere praise to motivate and influence others. He emphasizes that giving compliments and recognizing others' efforts can go a long way in gaining their cooperation.
The Secret of Socrates
Carnegie shares the technique of asking questions to guide others to your point of view. By asking questions, you allow the other person to express themselves and discover your ideas on their own, which can be more persuasive than directly telling them your viewpoint.
Chapter 10: A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
In this final chapter, Carnegie provides a summary of the core principles discussed throughout the book:
The First Ingredient - The Avoidance of Criticism and Complaint
Carnegie reiterates the importance of avoiding criticism and complaint in personal and professional interactions. When we criticize or complain, we create negative feelings in others, hindering effective communication.
The Second Ingredient - A Sincere Appreciation
The author stresses the significance of offering genuine appreciation to others. Recognizing people's efforts and accomplishments sincerely is a way to make them feel valued and motivated to cooperate.
The Third Ingredient - A Feeling of Importance
Carnegie emphasizes that people have a fundamental desire to feel important and appreciated. By genuinely making others feel significant, you can gain their trust, respect, and cooperation.
The Fourth Ingredient - "Your Life Blossoms like a Flower"
In this section, Carnegie describes the positive impact of implementing these principles in your life. By avoiding criticism, expressing sincere appreciation, and making others feel important, you can significantly improve your relationships, both personally and professionally.
Five Suggestions to Get the Most Out of This Book
The chapter concludes with practical suggestions for effectively applying the principles discussed in the book. These include reading the book multiple times, taking notes, and actively practicing the techniques in everyday life.
18 actionable takeaways with context - notes and case studies
You have to picture yourself that people skill will help you to lead a richer, fuller, happier and more fulfilling life. And that urge to learn will be rooted. That is fundamental.
Make marks on those I can put into immediate use.
Reread one chapter. That aids comprehension and provides better results in long run.
p22. With humility he acknowledges that he cannot do things he advocated.
1/ Understand first. Do not criticize, condemn or complain
Nothing kills people`s ambition than a criticizing act from his superior.
Make practice a social game. And make the stake higher. E.g. you can make a rule that you will lose real money when you complain to your friends.
Make records on the application of these principles (tracking is important!).
2/ Give people genuine compliment. Make them feel important about themselves
Don`t deal with logic when dealing with people.
It takes self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
My thought: Every communication opens a door for you to practise understanding. Every offense opens a door for you to practise forgiveness.
Try to give people what they want is more efficient than force people by using fear and other tactics. According to Herzberg`s research (check it yourself), work itself is pretty strong factor to motivate workers, other than more tangible factors like money and benefits. In another word, it is pretty powerful to make people want that work experience.
Self-importance is a fundamental nature of people -- John Dewey (more about him)
Everything you and I do stems from two basic drive, a desire to be great and sexual gratification.
My thought: Dale Carnegie is a big fan of Sigmund Freud (more about him). It can be overly generic. For instance, we also need to survive and connect with others.
We nourish people`s self-esteem using kind word of appreciation which sing in their memories for years like the music of morning star.
People can go insane to get self-importance.
According to a head doctor at a psychiatric hospital, a patient of him insist being called "Lady Smith". She went insane because she did not get everything she expected in her marriage: social prestige, love, sexual gratification, children. DC believe that her dreamed of being important when she went crazy.
Celebrities obviously or covertly pursue self-importance. They love to make cities named after him (Alexander the great, Victor Hugo), gain titles or prestige (Catherine the great, shakespeare).
Florenz Ziegfeld (more about him), an influential producer at Broadway, acquired his reputation by his subtle ability to “glorify the American girl”. He is generous about raising salary of his chorus girls and sending out roses to them at opening night. His gallantry and consideration make those women feel beautiful.
3/ Don`t flatter, appreciate
There are difference between flattery and appreciation. Intelligent and observant people can discern that.
Flattery is about telling ppl what they think abt themselves. Appreciation refreshes people`s perspective about themselves.
Naturally people will hold mistrust on you if you flatter them. A general Obregon says:"Don`t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of friends who flatter you."
Nothing pleases children than a kind parental appreciation.
4/ Give genuine compliment to evoke long-lasting impression.
Ability to give genuine compliment is a superpower. Genuine compliment is different from just being nice randomly. Old saying goes, kindness goes an extra mile. A genuine compliment has the power to evoke long-lasting impression. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your appraise”. They will repeat even after you forgot. It is a super powerful indeed.
5/ Genuine compliment as a productivity force
Here is a case study that shows how a genuine compliment can go beyond long-lasting impression and boost the productivity.
Case Study: Motivate the janitor
Situation: A janitor did a poor job. And people does not respect his work by littering purposely in the hallway.
Solution: As the supervisor, Pam used appreciation publicly to motivate a poorly performed janitor.
Outcome: People gave him recognition he deserves. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently
My thought: Self-importance is very essential to many people. Nobody like to be tedious. While we do not contact people that often, it is still very true in every fabric of today`s society. It is super powerful when you gives people self-importance. A genuine compliment is more valuable nowadays than ever.
A person who is able to genuinely appreciate others gets other people`s interest immediately than material incentives.
A challenge in the implementation level: people`s attention span is shorter than ever. It takes work to get some knowledge of other people to give out genuine compliment.
6/ Secret sauce: Get what people want with your want in mind to arouse genuine want
If there is any one secret of success, it is the ability to get the other person`s POV and see things from their angle as well as from your own.
When you state your interest, it also becomes super boring. And the reader will lose interests quickly. When you repeat what the others desire, it becomes flattery, which breeds mistrust. I have to relate that to what I truly want.
7/ Smile
p75. Expression > possession
A smile can say: I like you. You make me happy.
People tend to ignre a simple but obvious truth: Small gestures or expressions can go a long way.
Those people who need smile the most are those who have no smile to give
Don`t fake it. At least you are honest when you have none to give. Otherwise, it looks like flattery.
My thought: From a personal standpoint, I often I find people in the west don`t like flattery in a greater extent than my own culture.
8/ Remember names and do it with a system
Case Study: A merger with his competitor
Situation: The Central Transportation Company, which Andrew Carnegie controlled, was fighting with the company that Pullman owned.
Solution: Andrew Carnegie proposed a merger deal with new company named after the competitor`s name.
Outcome: "Pullman`s face brightened" and initiated a historical talk.
Abramham Lincoln took time to remember people who has lower status than him. And he showed humility and genuine interest, curiosity and admiration in what his mechanic does for a living.
According to F.D. Rooservelt, remembering name can help to gain good will.
People are crazy about not being remembered.
A system used by Jim Farley
Jim Farley built up a system for remembering names. The flow chart is as follows:
Met a new acquintance —> Found his/her full name with some facts about his/her family, business and political opinions.→ Fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture —> shake hands
JF also found that people are interested in their own name in average. If a name got mispelled, it can turn very bad.
A system used by Napoleon III
P88. Napoleon III can remember all the names by writing the names down on a piece of paper. He took time to look at it, focus on it, fix it securely in his mind and then tore up the paper.
9/ Express a genuine interest
Case Study: P105. Being gifted a Packard car from a relative
Situation: Mr. R drove to Long Island with his wife to visit a relative.
Outcome: After Mr. R. expressed his hearty admiration for the beautiful treasure his hosts had picked up in her travel and cherished in a lifetime, she offered her Packard car!
If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.
10/ Avoid your argument
P113. You can`t win an argument: avoid it as much as you could. Most of the arguments are not beneficial, even if it is arguments against a competitor. The less arguments happen, the more good will will be built.
e.g. Patrick J. O`Haire found it harder to win sales from his prospects when making arguments against his competitors.
My thoughts: Indeed, this teaching reflects human nature. The lesson is useful to keep in mind to minimize arguments, since argument make us hard to work with. I think to tackle the problem head on is a skill in the modern times.
While arguments should be avoided, conflicts should not be avoided. one should be assertive instead of being aggressive (see more about those two conflict handling styles). When dealing with conflicts, communicate firmly and constructively without argument. Minimize the impacts of a disagreement by using tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person`s view point.
My thoughts: A disagreement may not lead to an argument. Knee-jerk action does. Be careful, keep warm and notice my first reaction and remember that I am the master. I beg to differ. But it`s okay.
Powerful tips: a few takeaways to turn enemies into friends
1/ Thanks for their interest who takes time and pain to disagree, Think them as a person who wants to help me.
2/ Postpone actions to buy time like to think and suggest a new meeting
3/ Start to ask yourself hard questions: "Could your opponents be right or partly right?" "Is there truth in their position?" "Does my reaction help to solve the problem?" "What is my takeaway" "what cost to win?"
P116: Dwell first on the common ground. And be honest about your mistake
P117: Is this an opportunity for me?
Jan Reerce once said: When one yells, people should listen because when two people yell, no communication.
P118 T R confessed that he would reach the highest measure of his expectation if he could be right 75% of the time.
11/ Never begin by proving so-and-so to you
Superiority hurts people`s feelings
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. Make him want to admit that he too may be wrong.
P126. Don`t argue with your customer, spouse or your adversary. Don`t tell them they are wrong to get them stirred up.
Use a little diplomacy, a. k. a. the customer is always right
12/ Admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Case Study: Confederate General Lewis A. Armistead
Situation: p133. General Lewis A. Armistead led a heroic final plunge, which yields a bitter failure.
Solution: Instead of blaming others, he confessed:"All this has been my fault, I and I alone have lost this battle."
Outcome: General Lewis got remembered for his character. Few generals in all history have had the courage and character to admit that. (see more about him)
Case Study: A principle v. s. a tradition
Michael Cheung, a staff of Dale Carnegie in HK, recognized that it is better to apply a principle over maintaining an old tradition.
Situation: A father had been estranged from his son for many years. In terms of reconciliation, a father felt it was up to his son to take the initiative tow. The father felt that young people should have respect for their elders and that he was right in not giving in to his desire, but to wait for his son to come to him. A reconciliation initiated by a father is out of tradition.
Solution: He still admitted it emphatically. he went to his son's house, asked for forgiveness.
Outcome: He was now embarked on a new relationship with his son, his daughter-in law and the grandchildren he had at last met.
Case Study: handle a vicious customer
Situation: p91. New York Telephone Company had to handle a vicious customer with a history:
And he did curse. He raved. He threatened to tear the phone out by its roots. He refused to pay certain charges that he declared were false. He wrote letters to the newspapers.
Action: A telephone representative listened to him complaining for 3 hours and interviewed him for four times.
Outcome: The customer became friendly. Then he paid all his bills and withdrew his complaints from the Public Service Commission.
The customer considered himself as a holy crusader, defending the public rights against callous exploitation. But all he just wanted was a feeling of self-importance.
Issac Marcosson, a journalist, concluded many people failed to make a favored impression because they don`t listen attentively. “They are so much concerned with what they are going to say next.”
The Reader`s Digest once said: "Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience."
A case study from Lincoln: An old friend visited Lincoln in Washington. He talked for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing the slaves. He also went through all the arguments for and against such a move. All he needed is a friendly, sympathetic listener to unburden himself.
To be interesting, be interested in asking questions people enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishment, because, according to D. C. , people are self-interested, who only cares about their own wants and accomplishment.
E.g. T Roosevelt spent time before a meeting to learn about a person`s interested subjects.
P97. Reach a person`s heart faster by talking about a thinking one treasures the most.
P100 Only talk in terms of other person`s interest that pays off for both party.
Case study of Edward Harriman
Situation: Intrigued by R. J. Funkhouser`s story of rags to riches, E. H., a Job seeker had to met R. J., who was known for being inaccessible to job seekers.
Solution: E. H. paid an unschedule visit to R. J. Funkhouser after studying the interest and goal of his secretary in order to pass the gatekeeper.
P101 He told her that he had a proposition that could translate itself into financial and political success for R.J. Funkhouser. Instead of asking for a job, he said he can make money for R. J., followed by the ideas and qualification he had to translate these ideas into contribution.
Outcome: E. H. got hired for over 20 years and it turned out to be a win-win for both E. H. and R. J. .
Actionable takeaway:
1/ Adapt answers to people in terms of their interests and goals. Do the job to link what you have with their goals.
2/ Leave enough room and time for the other people to agree and disagree your offer.
3/ Actively look for things to do to help your customers rather than offering sympathy or passive listening.
My thoughts: Give us permission to enter the two-way maneuver process of persuasion. As we go along the process, we willingly change ourselves to invite others in. Acknowledgement and acceptance is the 1st step to solve a problem. Sympathy is also something nice to give when I cannot empathize with a person.
It also reminds me of listening to my own needs, identifying my interest more and making them obvious, which can do others a favor to better help me.
In a social connection, what I want from others is not necessarily a favor or immediate benefit. There are many other things I can get from social connections. Social connection is about turning things not obvious even to myself more obvious, which can lead to actions.
P101 Aside from our wants, we also can share our honest appreciation of others. We have a soul that could contain larger than ourselves.
P102 Everyone wants approval and feel important.
My thought: Indeed, nuances lie in how we perceive ourselves and how we acquire that sense of self-importance.
P135. To win a man to your cause, firstly convince that you are his sincere friend. Start from heart and then reason.
My thought: It is easier said and done, albeit it is powerful to win a man to your cause. Winning a man to your cause is costly in a modern context. A sincere friend in business can be unrealistic. Start from intent in modern life that makes an initial meeting happen.
Based on my experience as a world traveller and someone who lives in different ideologies, I feel it is a rather American thing to assume everyone is going to let their guard down when you appeal their heart`s desire. We also have people more like parents or people who have a few trap doors in terms of communication. It requires a different tactic to manuever a different type of person. Let`s face it, many people do feel pleasant if you appeal to their heart`s desire.
P136 People raise their most powerful argument with friendly remarks:
“It will be for the jury to consider” “This may perhaps be worth thinking of” “Here are some facts that I trust you will not lose sight of” “You, with your knowledge of human nature, will easily see the significance of these facts” --- Daniel Webster
O. L. Straub bubbled with good will and enthusiasm. He started a conversation by talking about how much he liked the person`s apartment house. He then then told him his situation.
To settle on a damage claim, Gerald H Winn of Littleton avoided showing anger by talking about a vacation first. Then he mentioned about "the little problem of water damage".
P140: Kindliness, friendly approach and appreciation work more than coersion.
My thought: More often, we encounter situation where we could use a soft approach, which is beneficial for long-term relationship building and attracting people.
Case study: P134 End the bloodiest strikes in the American history
Situation: Workers at John. D. Rockefeller`s company demand higher pay. Property had been destroyed. Troops had been called out. Strikers had been shot. J. D. Rockefeller was despised.
Solution: To handle the thorny situation when people die and higher pay is demanded by workers, J. D. Rockerfeller applies a soft approach to befriend the representatives of the strikers and give a speech to quell people`s anger.
“...It is only by your courtesy that I am here...”
"...It is the first time I have ever had the good fortune to meet the representative of..."
“...I feel that I am intimately associated with you men...”
Outcome: Strikers went home.
P141. Begin by discussing common ground. Repeat you are both striving for the same end while you only differ in how you get there.
13/ Induce yeses immediately in our audience
Understand the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction
Yes - moving, accepting and open attitude —> approval
No - Glandular, nervous and muscular gather into a condition of rejection, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal.
The more yeses we induce by our speech, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal. It takes much effort to turn a no to a yes.
P142 Case study: Yes, yes technique enabled by James Eberson
Situation: A customer refused to answer some questions on a form that is required when opening an account. As a teller in the Greenwich Saving Bank in AYC, J.E. needs to do his job.
Action: J.E. spent time talking about what his customer wanted. He demonstrated how filling out the form is serving him rather than the bank, exuding a feeling of welcome and importance to a customer that pays his patronage:
"I agreed with him and told him the information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary. 'However,' I said, 'suppose you have money in this bank at your death, it will help to let the bank transfer to his next kin according to law.”
Outcome: "I found that by getting him to say 'yes, yes' from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I suggested."
Before leaving the bank, this young man not only gave me complete information about himself but he opened, at my suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as the beneficiary for his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions concerning his mother also.
P143 Joseph Allison, a sales represetative of Westinghouse Electricals Company handled a problem by applying this technique.
Situation: He was eager to sell to a man his predecessor had called on for ten years without selling anything. The man complained that their motors are too hot.
Solution: Instead of arguing, he tried to get the "yes, yes reponse":
“... I agree with you 100% ...”
"... You ought not to buy any more of them? ..."
“... Isn`t that correct? ...”
“... How hot is the room? ...”
'... if the mill room is 75 degrees and you add 72 to that, that makes a total of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Wouldn't you scald your hand if you held it under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degrees Fahrenheit? ..."
“... Is that so? ...”
By asking questions to get more yes responses, Joseph was able to turn the tide, see things from the customer`s view, identified the root problem, find and had an opportunity propose a solution.
Eddie Snow asked on the phone:” if you are the kind of person who liked to save money” and then he tied his solution to this goal.
P145 Socrates method: Ask yes until he is able to tie themselves to a conclusion they denied previously.
My thought: People don`t like to contradict themselves. Use that to your advantage.
It also takes conscious or intuitive knowledge to ask a person a meaningful question, which sets the listener to an affirmative direction.
P146 When interrupted, listen patiently with an open mind.
14/ Let others do the talking
Case Study: how a laryngitis attack has become an unexpected boon
Situation: when G.B.R., a representative of one manufacturer, lost voice to an attack of laryngitis before a client meeting.
Action: The president of the company volunteered do the talk for him. By doing so, the president took the position he would have had during the discussion.
Outcome: At the end of the meeting, he was awarded the biggest order he had received with a value of $1,600,000.
Case study: An unexpected discovery and recovery
Situation: Barbara Wilson suffered an deteriorating relationship with her daughter Laurie. No results after lecturing, threatening and punishing.
Action: She did not have strength to screaming at her daughter and asked why sadly instead.
Outcome: As she started to inquire, her daughter became more cooperative. She could relate more to her daughter realizing she needed her daughter as a confidante rather than a bossy mother.
15/ Let your friends excel you to win friends
P149 You cannot make a point that you excel your friends. At least some of your friends get inferior and envious.
Let others share their achievement cause they like it.
My thought: I found this one insightful. I would say don`t compare with your friend in any occasion and objectively evaluate what I do. The truth is, even if I don`t compare, people always compare and I cannot control what they feel about it. Maybe it is safe not to try excel your friends. Ask your friend to share their achievements.
16/ Ask for inputs
To build others` confidence over your idea, ask for inputs from others, making them feel they own a piece of it.
It is not wise to give others everything for free. It is wiser to let others think out the conclusion.
My thought: No one likes to be sold or told to do something. It is better leave some room for others to act on their own. What if others do not get it? Maybe hint it harder, show a datapoint. If you don`t have these, chances are you need to do some work to refine your idea.
I get it that many people in the western society feel like an idea as their own when participating in building it up. You may not agree with that but you can still know that and use that to your advantage.
P150. Case study of E. W.: He sold his idea once he got that buyer`s input.
With an unfinished sketch, he asked: “Would you tell me how WE could finish`em up in a way that you could use them?”
What matters is your client feels he owns this idea.
A huge part of marketing is to let people decide on their own how they spend their money using ideas they feel like their own.
Make it very clear that it is their decision to make. And marketers only offer something to help.
17/ Don`t condemn people (I know I mentioned it but I repeat this)
P155. It is not wise to condemn people. Understand them first and put yourself in their shoes.
Use questions to shift your thinking and belief to reach an time-saving and easy outcome: How would I feel? How would I react there?
Case Study: Rescue a marriage that is not working
Situation: Sam Douglas used to express to his wife that she dedicated excessive time to tending to their lawn, yet despite her efforts, the appearance did not improve from when they initially acquired it. These remarks caused her significant distress.
Change: Sam learned to appreciate his wife`s dilligent work realizing that his critique on her work was foolish and she might appreciate a compliment.
Outcome: She was visibly pleased and spent an hour together in hard work and pleasant conversation.
P156. According to Dr. Gerald S. N., Coorperation in a conversation is achieved when you show you consider the other person`s ideas and feelings as important as your own. It works like a two-way street to encourage the listener to have an open mind.
P158. Think “why should they do it before you ask others to do something for you”
My thought: And think every time for that conversation time spent on a single person.
P157. Save people`s face with kind words that show your openness to enter their world
P162: Case study: buy more time to fix the hotel elevator
Situation: The hotel manager did not want to shut down the escalator for more than two hours at a time because he did not want to inconvenience the hotel's guests. The repair that had to be made would take at least eight hours, and his company did not always have a specially qualified mechanic available at the convenience of the hotel.
Solution: He acknowledged the concern and pointed out that the elevator may suffer more damage and the hotel manager may not be pleased if that cause a longer shutdown.
Outcome: Request approved by the hotel manager.
Mr. Mangum used an imaginary negative outcome as an anchor point for now. to make the current situation does not seem so bad.
A person has two reasons for dong a thing: One that sounds good and a real one. --- J. Pierpont Morgan
Case study of Hamilton J. Farrell: A disgruntled tenant
Situation: His tenants threatened to move out of his house four months before the time on a contract.
Solution: He addressed the issue by a letter, in which he shows his faith of his reader`s good deed.
“I will privilege you to move and admit to myself I`ve been wrong in my judgement.”
“But I still believe you`re a man of your word and will live up to your contract.”
“For afterall, we are either men or monkeys - and the choice usually lies with ourselves.”
Outcome: The tenants honor their lease
18/ P171. Sell by dramatization: make them see it
It works with children too.
Case study: Use a little drama to solve a problem
Situation: Ms Wolf had problems at work needing to discuss with the boss
Solution: She wrote a formal letter with an self-addressed envelope
Outcome:
"He had answered my form letter himself and indicated he could see me that afternoon and could give me ten minutes of his time. I met with him, and we talked for over an hour and resolved my problems." ... "If I had not dramatized to him the fact that I really wanted to see him, I would probably be still waiting for an appointment."
At the outset, I noticed that Dale Carnegie acknowledged the fact that there are too many failed books on the market that can cloud readers' minds. He then proposed his own unique value to capture the readers' attention. He established his unique value proposition to position his book as a solution to the pressing need to enhance people skills. Additionally, he quoted words from famous individuals like John D. Rockefeller and cited surveys from institutions such as the United Y.M.C.A to demonstrate an actual market need for improving people skills.
He also made a promise that readers could benefit from the first chapters of the book. I appreciate the urgency of the benefits he promises as a businessman, tapping into people's psychology of the "fear of missing out."
What also impressed me is his tone of voice. He provided reassurance to readers as if they were children. Sometimes, words can have magical effects, creating twists and plots filled with marvel and amazement. I feel pampered in a pleasant way, akin to the feeling one gets from jazz music or a Disney black and white cartoon movie.
His pure aspiration to be great also inspires me as well as his hope and optimism that echoes an era. This makes reading his book and synthesizing notes a truly satisfying journey. I recommend this book with you and feel free to check this book on Amazon.
A statistical take of the book
"Money" appears for 48 times in this book.
"Business" appears for 102 times.
"Letter" appears for 149 times.
"Honest" appears for 28 times.
"Genuine" appears for 12 times.
"Sincere" appears for 36 times.
"Mistake" appears for 48 times.
“Appreciate” or “appreciation appears for 72 times.
"Criticism"/"criticize"/"criticizing"/"self-criticism" appears for 79 times.
Steve is a thinker, innovator, practitioner of digital marketing, founder of Flying Pug Digital, a boutique digital marketing agency. He writes about productivity, trading, business opportunities and actionable food ideas in his blog: 1000 book notes and food ideas. His background is in digital marketing with expertise in Google ads, Facebook ads and AI-driven content. Based in Toronto, ON, Steve has a master of Digital Experience and Innovation from the University of Waterloo. When he is not hard at work, he likes to reading, writing and trading.
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