A not-so-short book digest of Alfie Kohn`s Unconditional Parenting (with subtitles and AI pictures)

Summary:

In "Unconditional Parenting," American author Alfie Kohn challenges traditional parenting methods, advocating for an empathetic and respectful approach instead of using rewards and punishments. Kohn argues for unconditional love and acceptance of children, not just when they meet expectations. By understanding and meeting children's emotional needs, parents can foster more positive and harmonious relationships, promoting overall well-being and development.

Audience:

1. Parents: Those seeking alternatives to traditional parenting to build closer connections and promote their children's emotional health.

2. Educators: Teachers and education professionals interested in implementing nurturing and supportive strategies in the classroom to foster positive relationships and conducive learning environments.

3. Mental Health Professionals: Psychologists, counselors, and therapists who are interested in understanding the impact of parenting styles on child development and mental health, seeking evidence-based methods to support healthier family relationships.

Outline:

1. Unrealistic Conditional Parenting: Challenges the effectiveness of reward and punishment-based methods in fostering good behavior in children.

2. Against Conditional Parenting: Presents research and arguments against using rewards and punishments, highlighting their negative impacts on children's motivation, self-esteem, and moral development.

3. Risks of Using Love Withdrawal: Discusses the negative consequences of using love withdrawal as a disciplinary tactic and the need for unconditional love and acceptance.

4. Importance of Autonomy: Emphasizes the value of fostering children's autonomy by allowing them to make choices and decisions rather than imposing control or authority.

5. Dangers of Praise: Discusses the drawbacks of using praise to motivate children, suggesting it can undermine intrinsic motivation and create dependency on external validation.

6. Effects of Punishment: Explores the harmful impacts of punishment on children's behavior and emotional health, advocating for problem-solving and empathy-focused alternatives.

7. Discipline and Guidance: Proposes shifting from punitive discipline to compassionate guidance, stressing the importance of setting limits while respecting children's autonomy and dignity.

8. Role of Empathy: Highlights the importance of empathy in parenting, encouraging parents to understand and validate children's feelings instead of ignoring or diminishing them.

9. Building Strong Relationships: Emphasizes the significance of strong, trusting parent-child relationships based on mutual respect, empathy, and unconditional love.

10. Long-Term Parenting: Calls for parents to adopt unconditional parenting methods, prioritizing empathy, respect, and cooperation, recognizing the goal of raising happy, compassionate, and self-reliant individuals.

Parenting with Understanding and Compassion

Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior:

Parenting assumes that children's behaviors are expressions of their feelings, thoughts, needs, and intentions. For example, a child may act defiantly not out of mere disobedience but because of underlying worries about the attention given to a new baby sibling. Addressing these root problems is crucial rather than focusing solely on the behavior itself. Reprimanding a child without understanding their underlying concerns may inadvertently stifle their expressive behaviors and lead to feelings of loneliness and lack of support.

The Importance of Unconditional Acceptance:

Unconditional approval is about resisting the urge to exert strict control over children's behaviors, which may seem like regaining control for parents. However, such disciplinary measures can have lasting negative effects, making children feel unloved and unsupported. Instead, unconditional acceptance teaches children that they are loved regardless of their actions, fostering a sense of security and trust in their relationship with their parents.

The Influence of Behavioral Conditioning:

According to behaviorists, all behavior is believed to start and stop based on whether it is reinforced. Positive reinforcement can encourage desirable behaviors, while negative reinforcement or punishment may discourage unwanted behaviors. However, adopting a purely conditional parenting approach based on rewards and punishments overlooks the emotional value of children and fails to nurture positive relationships.

Differentiating Unconditional and Conditional Parenting:

Unconditional parenting focuses on the whole child rather than just their behavior, maintaining a positive view of human nature, and offering parental love as a gift rather than a privilege to be earned. Strategies in unconditional parenting involve working with children through problem-solving rather than exerting control through rewards and punishments. In contrast, conditional parenting tends to rely on external consequences and may reflect a more negative view of human nature, viewing children's behaviors through the lens of marketplace dynamics.

In summary, while conditional parenting may seem like a quick fix for managing behaviors, it often overlooks the deeper emotional needs of children and may undermine their sense of self-worth and security. Unconditional parenting, on the other hand, fosters a supportive and loving environment where children feel valued for who they are, not just for their actions.

Findings from three studies

According to Elizabeth Cagan, these viewpoints largely reflect a blanket acceptance of parental prerogative with little consideration given to a child's needs, feelings, or development. The prevailing assumption seems to be that parents' desires are automatically legitimate, thus the only question open for discussion is how to make children do whatever they are told.

In the face of the multitude of opinions in the parenting book market, it is useful to ask: What do you mean by "effective"? Are you suggesting that children will be better off as a result of a certain approach? Will they become more concerned about the impact of their actions on other people? Or is the approach more likely to produce mindless obedience?

A group of researchers from the University of Denver has demonstrated that teenagers who feel compelled to meet certain conditions to earn their parents' approval may ultimately develop a dislike for themselves. This can lead to the construction of a false self, where they pretend to be the kind of person their parents will love. However, this strategy to gain acceptance is associated with depression, a sense of hopelessness, and a tendency to lose touch with one's true self. Eventually, some teenagers may reach a point where they no longer recognize themselves because they have invested so much effort into becoming someone they are not.

Steve remarks on the remarkable nature of this phenomenon, noting that some individuals become so adept at conditioning themselves into a false identity that they cannot recognize or live without the intricate facade they have created. They have essentially lost the ability to live authentically and confront the complexities of the world.

Research over the years has consistently shown that the more conditional the support one receives, the lower their perception of overall worth as a person. When individuals accept themselves only under limited terms and conditions, with strings attached, they undermine their own self-worth.

In a thought-provoking study, parents are asked to consider how their children might respond to questions such as "To what extent did your mother maintain a sense of loving connection with me even during our worst conflicts?" or "When my dad disagrees with me, I know that he still loves me."

Why do verbal rewards not work?

Verbal rewards, such as praise, can be as detrimental as symbolic rewards (like gold stars) and tangible rewards (such as ice cream). They can interfere with getting tasks done effectively.

In particular, the praise of "keeping up the good work" ironically stands in the way of performing well at a critical task. According to a group of researchers, this is partly because the pressure to maintain the praised behavior can impede performance. The goal shifts to merely receiving praise, leading individuals to be less inclined to take risks, which are crucial for creativity, as they become focused on maintaining positive feedback.

A more concerning finding from the study is that young children who are frequently praised for acts of generosity may actually display less generosity on a daily basis compared to children who receive less praise. This phenomenon suggests that praise for sharing can overlook different motivations, potentially promoting manipulative behaviors in children who seek praise in the future.

Praise tends to be counterproductive because it functions as an extrinsic motivator and exemplifies the concept of controlling parenting. While caring parents are attentive and often describe what they notice their child has done, inviting them to reflect on its implications, it's important to recognize that there are no absolutes in human behavior. To promote genuinely thoughtful behavior, the author emphasizes the importance of considering how, to whom, and why praise is given.

Rather than manipulating children through selective reinforcement, the author suggests communicating information in a way that encourages reflection. Instead of simply telling children what they did right, it's important to convey approval for their actions and to be cautious of inadvertently implying conditional approval based on certain behaviors.

The chain of thoughts that follows this idea is as follows:

"I like the way you've done such-and-such" can sound like

"I like you because you've done such-and-such," which may unwittingly imply or suspiciously sound like

"I don't like you when you don't do such-and-such." This last thought might make the child feel

"I am not likable when I don't do such-and-such."

Stop exploiting a natural desire for adult`s praise from kids

Because of praise, children become less able or willing to take pride in their own accomplishments or to decide what is an accomplishment independently. We risk turning them into praise junkies who rely on others for validation, feeling thrilled or crestfallen depending on whether other powerful people in their life praise them or not.

Young children have an innate need for their parents' approval, and we as parents have a responsibility to avoid exploiting their dependence for our own convenience. This can be seen as sugar-coating control, such as saying "You have a good test result. I am proud of you," or "You got into a good school. I like it," or "You worked hard on that. I like it."

Positive reinforcement often creates a vicious circle reminiscent of what we find with love withdrawal: they seem insecure, and the more we praise them, the more they need to be praised. They long for more to satisfy their craving.

According to preliminary research by Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Columbia University, when contingent regard is implied in our comments, young children start to display signs of helplessness. When positive reinforcement indicates that we only accept certain characters or behaviors, what we may imply to the children is that their whole self is only good when they please the parent, and that undermines self-esteem.

The controversy of self-esteem lies in the paradox of self-esteem: if you need it, you don't have it, and if you have it, you don't need it. People who don't hinge their self-esteem on their performance tend to see failure as a temporary setback.

Our contingent view of self-esteem based on our performance leads to fluctuations in self-esteem. A study links self-esteem to anxiety, hostility, and defensiveness, as people are more likely to lash out when their self-esteem is threatened.

The author believes that the condition of contingent self-esteem is unhappy. It may stem from competition (succeed only if others fail, or we say Cheng wang bai kou in Chinese, 成王败寇), or it may also come from a parenting style in which children are over-controlled.

Why do punishment not work?

Punishment creates a vicious cycle similar to love withdrawal and positive reinforcement. When punitive interventions fail to bring about desirable actions, the assumption often arises that not enough punishment has been administered. Consequently, the perceived responsible action becomes to punish again. This cycle can lead children to react with pain or anger, either unwilling or unable to comply due to the stresses and anxieties produced.

Why does punishment fail?

1. Punishment induces sadness and pain, stripping individuals of their power. According to the fate of historical nations and individual instances, those who feel like victims may eventually become victimizers.

2. Punishment models the use of power, potentially teaching children to express hostility outwardly to force others to capitulate rather than understanding the lesson of not repeating a certain behavior.

3. Punishment eventually loses its effectiveness, much like it can become increasingly challenging to find sufficiently pleasant rewards to please a child, finding something sufficiently unpleasant for discipline can also become difficult.

Parents always have a choice to draw from respect and trust to explain and persuade young children, rather than relying solely on naked power. As Thomas Gordon suggests, consistently employing power to control children means they never learn how to influence others, leading to less real influence over their lives the more punishment is used.

An example that illustrates the failure of punishment involves an Indian neighbor's two-year-old child who wandered into the street without supervision. Despite reprimands and attempts at discipline, the child seemed unaware of the seriousness of the situation. This highlights the importance of helping children truly understand the dangers they face, which can be challenging given their developmental stage.

4. Punishment erodes relationships with children, making it difficult for them to see parents as caring allies essential for healthy development. Instead, parents may become perceived as scary enforcers or powerful figures the children are dependent on, causing them to feel unworthy and uncertain.

5. Punishment distracts children from addressing the important issues and reflecting on their actions. Instead of reflecting on their behavior, children may focus on the perceived unfairness of punishment and strategize how to avoid it in the future, potentially leading to dishonest behavior to avoid consequences.

6. Punishment can make children more self-centered, as consequences are often viewed as euphemisms for punishment. This shifts their focus from understanding the impact of their actions on others to contemplating what consequences they might face if caught.

Research cited by Steve, such as Dan Ariely's work on dishonesty among Ivy League students, suggests that steep punishments do not effectively reduce cheating behavior even among adults who understand the implications. This underscores the ineffectiveness of punishment, particularly with children who may not fully grasp the consequences.

Why are punishment and praise done to the children two sides of the same coin?

Parents often assume that by using disciplinary measures, they can influence their children to listen and behave accordingly. However, the author argues that children are not oblivious to our words and actions; instead, they sometimes exhibit selective hearing, ignoring specific instructions or feedback.

The author contends that punishment is not an effective method to capture children's attention. While children may respond to pain, they also recognize that adults are the source of this pain.

Parents often justify their use of punishment by insisting that they truly love their children, which is undoubtedly true. However, this reasoning can create confusion for children, leading them to believe that causing pain is a form of love. In a slightly better scenario, children might internalize the concept of conditional love, believing they will only receive affection if they comply with their parents' expectations.

Another common rationale for punishment is that it can be justified as long as there's a good reason, and this reason is explained well. However, under this scenario, the anticipation of punishment can cause anxiety, leading individuals to focus more on themselves than on others. Moreover, after receiving an explanation, meaningful learning is less likely to occur.

Alfie Kohn describes a larger pattern of parenting known as the "doing to approach," which encompasses a conditional parenting model. This model suggests that parents only show affection and reward when children behave exactly as expected.

Kohn argues against the "the more, the merrier" model, believing that combining different disciplinary approaches can undermine the benefits of good parenting. Deploying contradictory strategies can weaken overall effectiveness, as one method may cancel out the positive effects of another. Therefore, it's essential to abandon punitive and reward-based tactics to fully embrace and implement positive parenting practices.

Why does overcontrolling parenting sometimes lead to overrebellious children?

The problem of excessive control is a common denominator in many parenting dynamics.

Excessive compliance or rebellion against everything can result from this excessive control.

Children who experience such control may exhibit behaviors of either excessive compliance or excessive defiance. The alternatives to these extremes involve fostering autonomy and mutual respect between parent and child.

The paradox of over-controlling parents is that, despite their efforts to exert excessive control, they often end up losing complete control over their children. According to Thomas Gordon, autocratic environments can have detrimental effects on individuals.

Some people who doubt their self-worth constantly put themselves down and act insecure, while others may appear arrogant and self-congratulatory to compensate for low self-esteem with grandiosity. Both personality types share a common root cause: an autocratic environment.

According to a 1948 study published in the Journal of Child Development, preschool-age children with controlling parents tend to be quiet, well-behaved, and non-resistant. However, they may also demonstrate a lack of curiosity and originality and struggle to interact with their peers.

In another study involving 4,100 adolescents published in the same journal, those with authoritarian parents scored high on obedience and conformity to adult standards but lacked self-confidence and self-reliance in social and academic settings.

Other children may be pushed to extremes and rebel against everything due to long-suppressed anger. As Nancy Samalin suggests, when these children win a confrontation, they feel a sense of power and control. Unfortunately, this behavior can be learned from authoritarian parents who not only suppress their own emotions but also make their children feel sad.

Defiance is a common behavior among two- or three-year-olds and again during early adolescence, and it should be expected as part of development.

The alternative to extreme compliance or defiance is for children to have the ability to say yes or no to their parents' requests based on conviction or genuine concern, rather than feeling compelled to comply or rebel. This can be achieved through building trust, explaining reasons behind requests, and avoiding unexpected demands, as practiced by parents who respect their children's autonomy.

Ryan and Deci argue that children have a natural need for autonomy in addition to basic needs. Excessive control can undermine this natural self-regulation, making behaviors like "behaving well" less about genuine decision-making and more about pleasing parents.

The costs of control, such as overeating or underenjoying, can also affect children. When parents encourage children to clean their plates or restrict eating to specific meal times, children may lose the ability to regulate their caloric intake effectively.

Similarly, a study involving six- and seven-year-old children found that children left alone with toys enjoyed playing more than those who were subjected to controlling play situations.

Studies have shown that control can be counterproductive. For example, a study by Wendy Grolnick in the mid-1980s involving third graders and their parents found that children with controlling parents did not perform well on tasks requiring independent decision-making.

To prevent these negative outcomes, the author suggests that rather than determining an optimal level of control to impose on children, parents should provide the necessary structure when needed while allowing children the freedom to exercise their will.

Ultimately, parents should aim to empower their children rather than enforce conformity. By creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting appropriate boundaries, parents can help children develop the skills to control their own lives effectively.

Those children are rushed to success but in fact raised to be living resumes

The force that creates comparable pressure on children as they experience increasing regular punishment from parents is the expectation to not only comply but also to be successful. When children are pushed to constantly meet high expectations and standards set by their parents, they may eventually reach a breaking point, described as "snapping," where they experience distress or emotional turmoil.

Mental health professionals express concern about the impact of hurried and pressured environments on children. According to a study in 2002, American boys exhibited high rates of drinking, while American girls showed signs of depression among Sue urban eleven and twelve-year-olds. Seventh graders whose parents emphasized academic success were more likely to exhibit signs of distress and maladaptive perfectionism.

Extreme cases of "press for success" include parents metaphorically "mortgaging" their children's future, where every decision is evaluated based on its potential contribution to future achievements or glory, such as preparing for Harvard. This approach can lead to a lack of present enjoyment or meaning in activities.

Children are increasingly treated as living resumes, with high schoolers joining activities solely to impress college admission committees rather than pursuing personal interests. They are trained to ask "Do we need to know this?" instead of "What does this mean?"

The pressure experienced by children varies by neighborhood; however, affluent youth, in particular, face higher rates of substance abuse and anxiety compared to their inner-city counterparts. This suggests that pressure for success is a common thread across different communities.

Parents often intertwine their own identity with their children's achievements, deriving a sense of validation and self-worth from their children's success. This can manifest as excessive bragging, where the focus shifts from the child's accomplishments to the parent's vicarious pride.

To reconsider the nature of success, parents can redefine success from a child's perspective by focusing on natural curiosity, enjoyment in learning, and deeper exploration rather than chasing grades or superficial achievements. Encouraging lifelong learning, embracing challenges, and fostering critical thinking are essential for nurturing children's genuine excitement for learning.

Instead of relying solely on report cards, which can be damaging, parents are encouraged to engage in more informative and personal conversations with their children. This approach allows parents to gain a clearer understanding of their children's progress and provide appropriate support when needed.

Why does fierce competition could make your children lose momentum?

What does Kyle’s story teach us? Kyle's story illustrates the significant commitment parents made to shape him into a tennis star. According to his mother, the decision to pursue tennis was entirely Kyle's. However, the fact remains that she was a tennis star herself, and Kyle began formal lessons at the age of two, practicing 2-5 hours a day. While he appeared energetic on the court, when asked about his feelings after a loss, Kyle lowered his head and admitted feeling "shamed" in a small voice.

What does Alfie’s research about the relationship between competition and performance teach us? Alfie's research strongly indicates that competition can hinder individuals from performing or learning at their best. Cooperation often yields more effective results in terms of bottom-line outcomes. Building a sense of collaboration can counteract the negative impacts of intense competition.

If people were unconditionally loved in all domains of life, would they still be driven to succeed? Firstly, children require unconditional love as it lays a secure foundation for later life and enables them to accept others without conditions. Secondly, we need to reconsider what forms the basis for valuing someone—should it be based on the results they produce or the effort they put in? How do we measure this effort, and what about individuals who give their all but fail due to factors beyond their control? Lastly, what are the hidden costs of solely valuing results? There are broader, deeper, and more long-lasting effects to consider, including emotional and relational aspects.

We should not confuse self-satisfying arrogance with unconditional self-acceptance.

What is researchers’ remark other than that? Some researchers argue that the anxious energy of perpetual self-doubt is necessary to drive productivity. However, this mindset can become a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy—individuals who feel incompetent and helpless may act in ways that confirm these beliefs. They may prefer easier tasks and become disinterested in their work.

What are some of the factors that stand in the way of being better parents?

The author dissects the factors that hold us back by examining various aspects of our perceptions and beliefs regarding children, the treatment of children, competition, and our emotional responses:

1. How We Regard Children: Alfie suggests that we should treat children with respect, trust them, and harbor a positive view of their capabilities rather than projecting our negative views of the human race onto them. A study involving over 300 parents revealed that those with a negative view of human nature tend to be more controlling towards their children.

2. How We Think Children Are Treated: Many people believe that children are spoiled and advocate for a return to old-fashioned discipline methods. However, parents are often unaware of their children's genuine needs.

3. Competition: Relationships between parents and children are often viewed in zero-sum terms, leading to suggestions for parents to "win battles" or "outmaneuver" their children. This reflects a symptom of our hyper-competitive society.

4. Capabilities of Children: There is a tendency to overestimate children's abilities. Some children at certain ages may not have developed the ability to eat neatly or remain quiet in public spaces, and we should adjust our expectations accordingly. Parents who understand their role as educators and exhibit patience tend to recognize children's developmental limitations. Conversely, those who attribute greater competence and responsibility to children often become frustrated by behaviors they consider inappropriate, leading to a mindset of "cracking down" on children for simply being children.

5. Either/Or Thinking: Many parents get stuck in a mindset of either neglecting their children's behavior or resorting to punishment, which can be similar in terms of not providing effective guidance. This mentality extends to approaches like the carrot-and-stick method. Finding a middle ground between these extremes, known as the "Goldilocks Gambit," may not always be effective.

In summary, the author suggests that our relationship with children is just one symptom of a hyper-competitive society where many psychological forces operate without our conscious awareness. To overcome these barriers, the concept of unconditional parenting, characterized by respect, understanding, and empathy towards children, is presented as an alternative approach that acknowledges and addresses the complexities of child-rearing in today's world.

Talk about our unspoken fear to outgrow them

The way you were raised deeply influences your inner architecture. It affects why you do what you do with your kids and why you don’t do certain things, impacting many aspects of responsibility division, gender treatment, everyday behaviors that convey respect and disrespect, what makes you angry or sad, and how you express these emotions.

Many people treat their own kids the same way to erase any doubt that the ways our parents treated us might be wrong. According to Alice Miller: “Many people continue to pass on the cruel deeds and attitudes to which they were subjected as children, so that they can continue to idealize their children.”

Suggested by John Bowlby, who inspired attachment theory, if you haven’t experienced empathic parenting, it’s hard for you to become such a parent yourself. If you don’t receive it, you may not have it to give.

Your unmet basic emotional needs when you were young don’t just vanish. You continue to try to satisfy them in indirect and convoluted ways. Too busy trying to prove you are smart or attractive or lovable, you may be emotionally unavailable to your children.

Kids are put in a position where their job is to keep their parents happy, to reassure them, and to make them feel capable. Providing what they fail to get from their partner and to provide adult-like companionship. Children’s development may be warped in the process whether or not the children manage to figure out how to become what the parent wants.

What we fear  

Some who fear incompetence give in to any children’s demands. Others who overcompensate their fear may impose rigid rules where children aren’t open to question or qualification.

Fear of losing control  

Dealing with fear of being vulnerable and dependent on someone else, some people pretend they are invulnerable as adults. It’s terrible to be out of control. They need to believe they are always in control and in turn to a need to impose control over others, to come out on top and succeed.

Paradoxically, the parents who see themselves as lacking power are most likely to use coercive tactics.

Some people’s lives are organized around that need. It is just more socially acceptable why we do it to our kids.

Understand that some parents driven by a need for control and a fear of losing it. When they see an adorable baby growing into someone they dare to pursue her agenda and oppose their demands. It is hard to resist the desire to figure out ways to outsmart her. It is hard to shift from doing to a baby you're working with a child. It is a hard test.

Situation: Alfie’s 3-year-old son resists his requests to finish the game and get undressed.  

Action: Give him no choices.  

Outcome: He cries loudly that he wanted to do it himself after being carried upstairs with clothes taken off.

Situation: He did not act corporately and wants to go back and put his shirt on so he can take it off.  

Action: They do it his way.  

Outcome: Go upstairs and have a warm bath.

Fear of being judged  

Worried about how others perceive us as parents, we deploy certain ways to treat our kids.

Fear for children’s safety  

Out of that parents can exaggerate certain concerns and turn reasonable precautions to stifling overprotection.

Fear of babying  

Situation: Alfie felt uneasy when his 9-year-old daughter watched TV shows intended for younger children.  

Action: He said nothing and watched with his daughter.  

Outcome: He realized she deserves some entertaining time after being challenged intellectually and she actually used her skills to predict plot developments, critique inconsistencies, consider alternative courses of action for the character, and figure out technical tricks that create bar illusions. He also realized that it may be dangerous if pushed to grow faster.

Fear of babying is adjacent to fear of being left behind. The compulsion to compare reflects a fear, a byproduct of competition which puts unprofessional pressures on children. The antidote is understanding.

To Alfie, what distinguishes truly great parents?  

Willingness to confront troubling questions about what they have been doing and what was done to them. We must resolve not to treat our children the way we were treated, but the way we wish we had been treated.

What questions do we need to ask if we want to meet our long-term goals for our kids?  

Is it possible that what I just did with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what is really in their best interests? Those uncomfortable questions may propel us forward to become better parents.

Why is a shifting mindset important?

Alfie considers himself as a not-so-perfect parent, suggesting that maybe this perspective aligns with what a great parent might think about themselves—they do not hold themselves in high regard. Alfie clarifies that his advice is not a definitive guide; you should not expect it to lead you directly from point A to point V. For example, standing at a location you frequent and using a specific tone of voice to convey a message like XXX. Books that make such claims can be detrimental or even recipes for disaster.

The shift from old methods must be accompanied by a shift in goals.

Questions to help us shift our mindset from the old ways include: What do my children truly need, and how can I meet those needs?

Steve suggests that if you are in marketing, you can replace the term "children" with "customers."

What does it mean to focus on children's needs? It means treating a child as someone with a distinct point of view, real fears, concerns, and a unique way of reasoning.

How can you distinguish between a child expert and a charlatan? Steve advises that when someone claims to be an expert, observe whether their actions, words, and tone of voice demonstrate that they take their role with children seriously.

Why is unconditional parenting considered a higher standard than the "doing to" approach? It requires more effort on your part.

How can you express unconditional love and give children more opportunities to make decisions and imagine how things look from the child's point of view?

13 tips for new parents

1/ Be reflective.

Quote: "Self-reflection is the school of wisdom." - Baltasar Gracián

Explanation: Take time to pause and think about your actions, decisions, and interactions with your children.

2/ Reconsider your requests.

Quote: "Before you speak, think. Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?" - Sai Baba

Explanation: Before making demands or asking for something, think about whether it aligns with your values and long-term goals for your child.

3/ Keep your eye on your long-term goals.

Quote: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Explanation: Focus on nurturing your child's growth and development in ways that align with your overall vision for their future.

4/ Put your relationship first.

Quote: "The most important thing in the world is family and love." - John Wooden

Explanation: Prioritize building a strong and trusting relationship with your child, as this forms the foundation for effective parenting.

5/ Change how you see, not just how you act.

Quote: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

Explanation: Shift your perspective and mindset towards parenting to create meaningful and lasting changes in your behavior.

6/ R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Quote: "Respect is earned, honesty is appreciated, trust is gained, loyalty is returned." - Unknown

Explanation: Show respect to your child by valuing their opinions, feelings, and individuality.

7/ Be authentic.

Quote: "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are." - Brené Brown

Explanation: Be genuine and true to yourself in your parenting approach, reflecting your values and beliefs.

8/ Talk less, ask more.

Quote: "The art and science of asking questions is the source of all knowledge." - Thomas Berger

Explanation: Foster communication by asking open-ended questions and actively listening to your child's thoughts and feelings.

9/ Keep their age in mind.

Quote: "To understand a child, we must first learn to think like a child." - Unknown

Explanation: Tailor your expectations and interactions based on your child's developmental stage and age-appropriate capabilities.

10/ Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.

Quote: "Assume the best in people until they prove you wrong." - Unknown

Explanation: Assume positive intent from your child unless proven otherwise, encouraging trust and understanding.

11/ Don’t stick your nose unnecessarily.

Quote: "Respect other people's boundaries. It's okay to say no." - Anonymous

Explanation: Respect your child's boundaries and privacy unless there are valid reasons to intervene.

12/ Don’t be rigid.

Quote: "Bend, so you don't break." - Unknown

Explanation: Remain flexible and adaptable in your parenting style, adjusting to your child's evolving needs and circumstances.

13/ Don’t be in a hurry.

Quote: "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu

Explanation: Take the time needed to engage with your child thoughtfully and patiently, allowing for meaningful interactions and growth

How do we wipe our eyes clear to identify not-so-great parenting experts in the market?

Alfie considers himself to be an imperfect parent, acknowledging that this perspective might align with what great parents think of themselves—they don't hold themselves in high regard.

Alfie emphasizes that his approach is not a definitive guide and shouldn't be expected to lead directly from point A to point B. For instance, he suggests standing in a specific location and using a certain tone of voice to convey a message, cautioning that a book making such definitive claims could be detrimental or lead to a recipe for disaster.

The shift away from traditional parenting methods must be accompanied by a shift in goals.

To help transition our mindset from the old way, Alfie suggests asking questions such as: What specific needs do children have, and how can I best meet those needs?

Steve proposes that if you work in marketing, you can replace the term "children" with "customers."

Focusing on children's needs means treating each child as an individual with a distinct point of view, genuine fears, concerns, and a unique way of reasoning.

To discern whether someone is a genuine child expert or a charlatan, Steve advises assessing whether their actions, words, and tone of voice demonstrate a serious commitment to treating children with respect.

Unconditional parenting is considered a higher standard than the "doing to" approach because it requires introspection and personal growth.

Three specific ways to achieve this include expressing unconditional love, giving children opportunities to make decisions, and encouraging them to imagine how things appear from the child's point of view.

Why do we need to trust children`s intentions?

According to Nel Noddings, we usually don't know for certain why a child acted the way they did. Our beliefs about those reasons can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The motto is to give the child the benefit of the doubt.

Children construct their own theories about their motives based in part on our assumptions about their motives, and then they act accordingly. They may conform to what we fear.

It's not just the attributions we vocalize that matter but also the ones we implant in their minds.

To break the vicious cycle, we should acknowledge that we don’t have concrete evidence to the contrary. Why not assume there might be an innocent explanation for what just happened? What if a deliberate act was accidental? What if an act of apparent thievery was actually nonexistent? We should treat kids as though they are already motivated by good values. They will then believe the best about themselves and live up to our trust in them.

For example, try to explain mischief as stemming from a lack of skills, an innocent desire to explore, and an inability to foresee what happens when they interact with certain objects.

To set a positive cycle in motion, when facts are unknown to us, our inclination should be to give the child the benefit of the doubt.

Balanced art of parenting: Fair, but not rigid. Predictable, but not unpleasant

Don't be rigid.

Occasionally waive the rule. Make it clear that what you are doing is an exception and should not be expected all the time.

Understand any given action within a context, considering specific situations and causes. For example, allowances should be made for a child having an off day.

Focus on solving problems rather than punishing infractions. This approach reduces stress and defensiveness for everyone involved.

Equitable treatment of siblings does not mean equal treatment, especially when punishment is not warranted, and parents can respond flexibly based on the specific situation.

Avoid excessive predictability, although it can be beneficial to children's lives up to a point.

Recognize that children have other needs beyond predictability.

There's no value if the environment is predictably unpleasant, such as a child feeling over-controlled or disrespected, and loved only conditionally.

The key is whether what children have come to expect makes sense, rather than solely whether children know what to expect.

Parents have different standards. It's healthy to let kids see occasional disagreement and to demonstrate how people can resolve disagreements respectfully.

It's pointless to impose a united front to children on every issue. The inherent dishonesty of this approach sets a poor example.

Don`t rush the journey by forcing them to run to the "good" and avoid the "bad"

Grades and achievement

A quest for good grades often leads students to think in a more shallow and superficial way (p81). They may skim books for what they`ll need to know,” doing what`s required and no more. Kids who are good at this game will pass the test, get an A and please their parents. They do not get the value during the process by thinking deeper and asking thoughtful questions.

Even when parents want their children to succeed, to be tough is usually wrong because we want them to grow and develop interests into what they do (p162).

Handling children`s “bad”

We should always give a child a choice of retreating to a comfortable place when he is mad (p147).

When children are acting in unacceptable ways, refuse to take the bait and reassure them: I will never stop loving them (p152).

The problem of what some experts suggest: Make a threat on what you will really do. If it is morally bad, you don`t even mention it (I did not jot down the page number for this).

Only intervene and say no when things are clear-cut (p133). While intervening,

1. change How You See, Not Just How You Act:

   - View inappropriate behavior as a teaching opportunity.

   - Involve children in problem-solving rather than making them suffer for their actions.

2. keep Their Ages in Mind:

   - Avoid unrealistic expectations based on a child's age.

   - Understand and accommodate typical behaviors for different age groups.

3. don't Be in a Hurry:

   - Allow children the time to enjoy being children.

   - Be flexible with schedules to avoid rushing interactions with children.

4. alter Space Instead of Behavior:

   - Modify the environment to prevent issues rather than solely focusing on changing behavior.

   - Use practical measures like gates to keep toddlers safe and comfortable.

5. unconditional Parenting:

   - Reflect on whether actions and words convey unconditional love.

   - Strive to communicate acceptance and support regardless of behavior.

6. consistent Affirmation of Acceptance:

   - Continuously show children they are accepted and loved.

   - Provide affirmation even during challenging moments to reinforce acceptance.

These principles highlight a shift towards a more mindful and supportive approach to parenting, focusing on understanding and meeting children's needs while fostering a nurturing and loving environment.

Alter our expectations

5/ Change how you see, not just how you act:

- Shift your perspective to view inappropriate behavior as a problem to be solved and an opportunity for teaching rather than causing the child to suffer.

- The approach of working together naturally emerges from our mental model of understanding what happened.

- Additionally, seeing children's behavior as a teachable moment invites us to include them in the process of solving the problem.

9/ Keep their ages in mind:

- Understand how unrealistic our expectations can be.

- Avoid holding unrealistically high expectations for children.

- For instance, refrain from punishing a toddler for failing to do what he said he would do or demanding a preschooler to sit quietly through a long family dinner.

- Children at this age can be expected to fidget, be loud, forget to turn off a toy, or be unnerved by tedious tiny changes in their environment.

13/ Don’t be in a hurry:

- You don’t need to control your schedule and rush your children.

- Changing your schedule is easier than you might think.

- Ask "what if" questions to explore possibilities of utilizing your time.

- The goal is to allow your children to feel unhurried so they can enjoy being children.

- Rearranging your schedule gives you the luxury of waiting out a kid who is being defiant or resistant, rather than resorting to threats or imposing your will.

It makes sense to spend a little time to save more time later.

Rather than trying to change behavior, consider altering the space.

- For example, use a gate to keep a toddler in your yard.

- Try to be more sensible and anticipate that your child may have trouble sitting still.

- Take other precautions instead of placing the burden solely on her to behave herself.

“Don’t be in a hurry” may be a reminder to slow down and savor your time with your kids.

1st, be mindful of the whole issue of unconditional parenting.

- Reflect on whether the things we do and say to our kids can reasonably be interpreted as conveying affection (and if so, why), which will likely influence how we act.

- Merely considering this is a step in the right direction, regardless of the final decisions.

2nd, get into the habit of asking:

- If the comment I just made to my child had been directed at me, or if what I just did had been done to me, would I feel unconditionally loved?

Steve suggests:

- Keep asking what we might say and do to continuously let them know we accept them.

- Even if they make an unreasonable mess after everything seems to be in order, or invent new ways to test our patience as they grow older.

- Children figure out where we are most vulnerable and use that to their advantage.

Communicating that message may not be easy.

- When you communicate "we accept you, but not how you act," a child may wonder: "What is this elusive 'me' you claim to accept when all I hear from you is disapproval?"

- According to Thomas Gordon, parents who find inaccuracies in many things their children do or say may foster in these children a deep feeling that they are unaccepted as persons.

How to criticize?

To minimize conflicts and nurture positive relationships with your children, it's important to keep the big picture in mind. Remember, the key is to make them feel loved and lovable.

1. Limit the number of your criticisms. Avoid frequent responses to their behavior as this can be counterproductive.

2. Narrow the scope of each criticism. Focus on what specifically went wrong with their actions (e.g., "Your voice sounded unkind when you were talking to your sister") rather than implying there's something inherently wrong with the child (e.g., "You are so mean to people").

3. Decrease the intensity of each critique. A little emotion goes a long way, and the impact of what we say is amplified because of the influence we hold as parents. Be mindful not only of what you're saying but also your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Any of these can convey disapproval, which may undermine the unconditional love you intend to communicate.

4. Look for alternatives to criticism. Try helping the child understand the effects of their actions—how they might hurt others' feelings or make others' lives difficult.

Instead of giving explicit negative evaluations, simply state what you observe and ask questions. This approach doesn't guarantee success but offers a chance to guide them toward acting reasonably.

Improving outcomes involves inviting your child to think of ways to improve, repair, replace, clean up, or apologize as the situation demands.

Unconditional love means continuing to provide your best efforts even if they seem unappreciated and unrewarded. Remember, parenting obligations are not always easy to fulfill; sometimes, all you can do is prepare and hope for the best.

Consider the power dynamics involved when children act bitterly toward you.

Spoil children with love, rather than materials

1. Experts advise to only make threats that you are actually prepared to carry out. This approach aims to improve one's ability to do something morally objectionable, rather than questioning whether it should be done at all.

2. Instead of neglecting children as a form of love withdrawal, you might stop responding because there isn't much meaningful feedback to give. Make it clear that you hear, notice, and care even if you are feeling frustrated.

3. According to Alfie, presents should be given without strings attached.

4. While we can spoil kids with too many material things, it's not possible to spoil them with love. Rather than giving praise or using bribes, offer what they truly need: affection without limitation, reservations, or excuses. Pay as much attention regardless of mood or circumstances.

5. Unconditionally supportive parents are just as proud of a child when they don't succeed.

6. According to Alfie, positive immediate feedback that reinforces positive behavior isn’t necessarily what unconditional love entails, but genuine enthusiasm should always be present.

7. When we feel obliged to say something positive, simply point out what we've noticed but allow the child to decide how to feel about it, rather than telling them how.

8. Elaborate descriptions without evaluation may be helpful. It's even better to ask for the child's perspective. Ask them what they think instead of telling them what you thought of what they did. Invite them to consider how they succeeded in completing a task, which can nurture their interest.

9. Sometimes it's useful to explain how a child's actions affect other people. For instance, "You set the table! Now you've made things easier for me while I'm cooking."

10. To determine whether to pay a compliment or say thank you, ask why you are saying it (is it contingent on trying to make someone feel good), to whom (you might be concerned with children because unconditional relationships can be compromised), and what effects it might have (when saying praise, see if the child's intrinsic motivation could decrease as a result of your praise).

11. Alfie suggests recognizing the underlying significance of what we say and how it's perceived.

12. To break free from conditional parenting, try offering evaluations as statements with descriptions and questions first, then transition to refraining from starting with an evaluation.

13. Suddenly cutting off praise may come across as negative. Make it clear that you are unconditionally positive in offering approval and affection freely, rather than responding only to specific behaviors you deem worthy.

14. Don’t just ask if they like it; inquire whether they feel dependent on verbal rewards every day, or how appealing it is when there's no promise of significant positive reinforcement for engaging in certain activities. Also, ask for their ideas on other ways you can offer encouragement.

How do we shift our focus when we put much emphasis on children`s achievement?

The following method will work effectively only when children believe they can be honest with us, knowing we can hear them without becoming defensive or angry. Ask our kids questions like: "Do you sometimes feel that I love you more when you get good grades, excel in sports, or achieve something I can brag about?" Additionally, observe our interactions with them from an outsider's perspective—how we communicate the importance of success, our reactions to their successes and failures, and how they respond to our reactions.

The emphasis is often on achievement. To shift this focus, consider whether we might be pushing our children too hard and if their accomplishments are important to us mainly because of how they reflect on us. The answer might be surprising and different from our own perception of our behavior.

Many people lead unhappy lives despite conventional success; promising individuals can burn out. Notable leaders who strive to meet others' standards may resent parents who only pay attention when they achieve. In short, credential-focused individuals aren't always content.

When children fall short and feel incompetent, they need our love—not our disappointment—the most. The danger is just as great when our love is conditional based on their achievements, rather than who they are, as it pressures them to maintain their performance.

Alfie Kohn believes that, as a rule, genuine interest drives excellence—not just the desire to do better or be successful. Learning can feel like a chore when external rewards are imposed, leading children to focus on meeting standards and assessing their performance. Instead, our questions should encourage and inspire a love for learning. We can help children succeed by asking open-ended questions like: "What's your opinion about how dinosaurs became extinct?"

How can parents do to deal with the school environment?

Be aware of what's happening at your child's school by asking the following questions:

1. Is it a place whose first agenda is to meet children's needs or to get compliance?

2. Are troublesome behaviors seen as problems to be solved or as infractions to be punished?

3. Do the teachers view their jobs as helping kids learn to make good decisions—or do they insist on making almost all of the decisions themselves?

4. Are students encouraged to collaborate with one another, or are most assignments intended to be completed alone (or even in competition with their peers)?

5. If you attended this school or sat in the classroom, would you feel unconditionally accepted? Would you want to be there?

Alfie suggests that parents talk with teachers to rethink some of their practices if they don't like what they see and hear. If the feedback is not taken, decide if the situation is disturbing and if it's worth the risk involved to take action. How likely is it that your efforts will succeed? Is the problem mostly confined to a specific classroom? 

You don't want to endorse indefensible actions or cause your child to feel that adults stick up for one another without good reason. What you say and how you say it will be influenced by your child's age and whether you view what's happening at school as merely less than ideal or absolutely egregious.

The goal is to give your child a kind of inoculation, providing them with unconditional love, respect, trust, and a sense of perspective that will serve to immunize them against an overcontrolling environment or an unreasonable authority figure.

Alfie thinks that if a child is treated one way at home and another way at school, it can be confusing for the child. However, it's still better than having home and school work together to do bad things to children.

How do you engage children in a family decision?

Rather than being forced to choose between giving in or imposing our will, we could choose another possibility: working things out together. Ask how to become active and interactive in the way we help children decide. In Alfie's view, it is more valuable than determining how much choice to give and what percentage of decisions to leave to them.

Studies show that children become more "active, outgoing, and spontaneous" when they are given many opportunities to make decisions.

In a situation where children spend too much time with the computer, parents might feel frustrated and distraught and give in. For example, the mother felt she had to hide the remote control from her daughter. Alfie suggests that this may risk sending the message that we don't care if we let kids do whatever they want, even when we disapprove. On the other hand, hiding the remote is unlikely to work and invites the child to find a way to work around it.

According to Alfie, it is more important that this teaches children not to use power or sneakiness to get their way. In addition to listening, we need to be candid about our feelings and look for solutions together.

This means agreeing on a reasonable limit to the time spent and specifying which programs or games are okay or not, and using that as the beginning of the discussion.

Parenting presents us with choices between controlling and teaching, creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping to learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind with a focus on long-term goals.

In a specific situation where Alfie and his wife fell into nagging and using coercive strategies to get their daughter going in the morning, they felt like they were acting like the parents they didn't want to be. The action they took was sitting down with their daughter when none of them was feeling pressured and calmly laying out the problem. Instead of making a behavior plan, they brainstormed what they could do that would make mornings more pleasant for all of them. The outcome was that they listened to Abigail's suggestion that she could just sleep in the clothes she was going to wear the following day, and it worked.

The point is to encourage children to reason, plan, and participate in figuring something out. Mutual problem-solving is helpful to raise a clear-thinking and self-confident kid who is willing to collaborate in their teen years.

How do those open-minded parents not offer false choices for children?

Sometimes parents pretend to let the child decide while actually keeping the real decision-making authority to themselves. There are three common forms of pseudochoice:

1. No real choice is being offered.

   Example: "Do you want to do the dishes now or would you rather do them while your favorite TV program is on?" The parents know the kid does not want to miss her program, and they really want to say, "Wash the dishes now or else I'm not going to let you watch TV." This uses choice to disguise a threat.

2. Deception after a child does something regarded as inappropriate.

   Example: "You've chosen a time-out." The parents actually choose to impose a time-out but say so because this seems to relieve them of any responsibility for what they are about to do.

3. They let the child choose but make it clear how the results must come out. This indicates some options are acceptable while others are not. It's better just to say, "I am going to pick for you," which at least is honest.

According to Thomas Gordon, it isn't whether limits and rules are necessary. It's who sets them: the adults alone or the adults and kids together. It is apparent if you observe how children react differently to limits imposed by an adult versus limits they have a voice in deciding.

Kids should be allowed to make some choices that truly matter sometimes. Adults often use limits to define the scope of choices kids are allowed to make. While some choices should indeed not be made by children, children should be given a voice when choices are tedious.

By the time children are five or six, they should have many opportunities to generate different possibilities rather than merely picking one from a given set.

According to Alfie, data shows that children are more likely to control themselves if their parents are willing to negotiate and are open to changing their minds in response to children's arguments.

1. Many families could benefit from more room for collective decision-making.

2. The point is to let the kids know that many issues can be negotiated. Then paradoxically, they'll feel less need to challenge every decision when they are confident that it's possible for them to object on those occasions they feel important to do so.

3. Acquire buy-in from the children.

4. Keep the long view in mind. Even if you take more time with the kid, the time might be well spent. Look beyond specific issues listed here and think about the benefits of the process to kids' social, moral, and intellectual development.

Some parents blame children for making bad decisions. Unsurprisingly, the same group of people are more likely to resort to punishment and other power-based interventions.

Is there alternative to reach your goal without enforcing compliance in children?

On page 168, Alfie Kohn discusses alternative approaches to enforcing compliance in children, even when there are compelling reasons to do so.

1. Use the least intrusive strategy: Avoid overwhelming children with your power, as it is unrealistic to expect children to always obey.

2. Be honest with them: Acknowledge the facts and express your needs honestly. Avoid inventing impressive-sounding justifications for your requests or pretending that something you're asking them to do will be enjoyable when it's not likely to be true.

3. Explain the rationale: Instead of using "because I said so," offer explanations that make acceptance of your request more likely.

4. Turn it into a game: For example, make activities like brushing teeth fun and engaging.

5. Set an example: Apart from fairness, it's easier to get children to do something we are willing to do ourselves.

6. Give them as much choice as possible (within the constraints of what needs to be done): Ask them how they want to do it, where, when, or with whom. For instance, "Would you like to wash your hands here in the kitchen or in the bathroom? Should we use the sink or swish them around in a big bowl with bubbles?"

When we must refuse a child's intention, we can use a warm and regretful tone, expressing confidence that we can solve the problem together. We should do everything in our ability to soften the blow and minimize the punitive impact of such a decision.

Find ways to help the child reclaim their dignity and a sense of potency, even if we need to do something that diminishes their sense of self-determination.

These strategies aim to foster cooperation and understanding rather than relying solely on authority and punishment.

The importance of letting children have the final say

Why and how should we let children participate in making decisions? Alfie believes that all people should have some control over their own lives, including children, although there are limits to how much control is appropriate for their age and maturity. Therefore, we should be prepared to justify why kids shouldn't be allowed to choose certain things.

The way children learn to make good decisions is by actually making decisions, not just by following directions. It makes sense to raise children with respect, offer them unconditional support, and give them choices regularly to prepare them for experiences where they may face unnecessary control. Empowered children are better equipped to handle constraints and disempowering circumstances. As parents, we are in a prime position to empower them, provided we are willing to limit our use of power over them.

Limiting our power means that whenever possible, the child should have the final say, although we can certainly express our preferences and thoughts first. Let children negotiate their own solutions instead of prematurely intervening and potentially exacerbating the situation by taking sides unfairly or condemning both parties.

Case study: raising two children

A child might feel that their legitimate grievances are being ignored, or that you are indifferent to their complaint if you don't get involved. Additionally, this hands-off approach could leave the weaker child vulnerable to the stronger or more clever sibling.

It's important to be clear that you are concerned and sympathetic. After the fact, talk to both children to help them develop conflict-resolution skills, consider fairness, and think about how they might handle similar situations in the future. However, it's worth noting that according to a child psychologist, parental intervention doesn't necessarily ensure fairness—it can sometimes bring a stronger participant into the conflict whose decision becomes final regardless of the facts.

Older children may sometimes make decisions for younger ones to provide support and protection, shielding them from those who might try to control them unnecessarily.

Better than praise or punishment: four ways to cultivate morals

Moral growth should be allowed to develop naturally, according to Alfie. Avoid using punishments and rewards as manipulative tools, as they reinforce a child's focus on self-interest. Instead, eliminate these methods and incorporate positive approaches.

1. Care for them: All instructions and interventions should be embedded within a relationship that feels warm, safe, and unconditionally loving towards the child. Meet their basic needs by providing secure attachment, nurturance, respect, responsiveness, and empathy. This frees them from constantly worrying about themselves and allows them to be open to helping others. Children who feel loved are more secure and less defensive, enabling them to reach out confidently to others, including those different from them.

2. Show them how a moral person lives and the challenges involved: Invite children behind the scenes of moral decision-making, allowing them to witness your thought processes and emotional struggles when facing dilemmas.

3. Provide opportunities for practice: Encourage them to help others, allowing them to start defining themselves as helpful individuals. Research has shown that collaborative problem-solving leads to deeper thinking among students. Cooperation experiences nurture a positive view of others, fostering trust, sensitivity, and open communication.

4. Engage in conversations with them: When force is necessary, ensure that the use of force does not overshadow the message. Avoid creating a climate of fear, which hinders learning. Emphasize understanding over mere compliance or extrinsic motivation.

The message is not simply "hitting is bad, sharing is good." It's important to help children understand why these principles are true. If you don't explain the underlying reasons, the only apparent reason not to hit someone would be the fear of punishment.

How do you better support children`s intellectual growth by engaging them?

By patiently laying out reasons, we accomplish two things. First, we let kids know what's important to us and why. Second, we engage their minds, helping them reflect on moral questions. According to Alfie, research from two separate studies shows that children who receive explanations instead of simply being demanded obedience are more likely to act altruistically when it counts (one study) and actively support that cause in public (another study).

Discussing is better than just explaining. Simply explaining without further engagement does not effectively instill a commitment to any ideal in children. They need to be able to internalize concepts like fairness or courage based on their own experiences and questions, figuring out what kind of person they ought to be.

One study found that the most significant moral growth occurred in children whose parents engaged in dialogues with them rather than just talking at them. The best results came when parents were supportive and encouraging, actively eliciting the child's opinion, asking clarifying questions, paraphrasing, and checking for understanding.

Supporting children's autonomy can take many forms. We need to make sure their opinions count by listening carefully and giving their views a respectful hearing. According to Marilyn Watson, we should avoid responding with the full force of our argument to justify our positions, which can overwhelm our kids with our logic. Instead, help children develop reasons to support their own views, even if we don't agree with those views.

For example, when a child says to support her preference for a TV program, "But all my friends watch it!" We know she probably means, "I am fearful of missing out on what others watch." Help them argue effectively to be taken seriously and learn how to frame their arguments more convincingly. Then, when kids talk back to us, we want them to do so respectfully and encourage them to practice it.

Using other-oriented reasoning is useful in reframing the issue of politeness. Instead of just being polite for its own sake or worrying that someone might get mad at them, we can explain to small kids (who may not have the right words) that the reason to help isn't what they'll get out of it but the effect of their actions on others.

How to better empath children and shift to their perspective?

To see things from his point of view is to recognize all the particulars that make him human and understand that his life is no less valuable than yours.

There are three flavors of perspective-taking:

1. Spatial: “What is on your left” is “what’s on my right.”

2. Cognitive: Imagine how you think about things. For example, how you might have trouble solving a problem that’s easy for me, or how you might hold beliefs about raising children that are different from mine.

3. Emotional: Imagine how you feel, how something could upset you even if it doesn’t have that effect on me.

It is not the same as empathy. To empathize isn't just to understand but to actually feel along with someone.

It may not make sense to simply ask, “I notice you finished all the juice and didn’t leave any for Amy. How do you think you would feel if Amy had done that?” Their tastes may not be your tastes. Consider values, experiences, and background. Ask not just what it’s like in her shoes, but what it’s like to have her feet.

In terms of perspective-taking, the message they receive is not necessarily the one we intended to send.

Seeing things through your child’s eyes is not just something to model and communicate but requires actively taking their perspective. Perspective-taking is a common theme in this book. By using it, you can better understand the effect of punishment through the eyes of the punished child.

According to research, it is the message the child receives — as opposed to the one we think we sent — that predicts the effects of our actions.

How to take kids seriously? Taking kids seriously means seeing them as people with distinct points of view. Ask, "What does it feel like to be them, and how can we be helpful in light of that?" 

Perspective-taking helps parents attend to and learn about their children’s needs. People who do so are less likely to define their relationship in terms of control or use punishment.

Take time to understand children, rather than punish them

People who take the time to understand their children’s perspectives are less likely to define their relationship in terms of control or resort to punishment. According to a study in the Netherlands involving 125 families, the factors that predict the quality of parenting include how well parents understand the unique interests and needs of their children and their willingness to consider their children's perspectives as distinct from their own.

In 1997, two other journals published reports on this topic. One study found that Canadian parents who were better at accurately perceiving their children's thoughts and feelings during disagreements had fewer conflicts with those children or at least reached more satisfactory resolutions of the conflicts that did occur. A U.S. study of families with toddlers found that parents capable of adopting their child's viewpoint were more responsive to the child's needs, leading to a likely adoption of the parents' values and a positive response to requests.

Three benefits of perspective-taking include:

1. It helps us understand what is really going on, preventing us from jumping to incorrect assumptions.

2. It makes us more patient with children's moods.

3. We set an example for our children.

Situations that make it harder to escape your own point of view, acknowledge that there's another legitimate way of understanding what's going on, and recognize how a conflict could have been avoided, are more likely to lead you to resort to coercion. The more you allow yourself to remain trapped in your own perspective, the more you will be tempted to use coercive methods.

Don’t trivialize a child's fear. That's the last thing they need. Instead, provide support. It is worrisome to get embarrassed in public, but try to think of it as even more agonizing for a child. Alice Miller observes that “disrespect is the weapon of the weak.” Many adults disrespect their children's feelings to hide behind a poker face of strength. First, adults continue to have fears of their own, so it makes them feel more powerful to dismiss the fear of a child that way. Second, some adults may take revenge for their earlier humiliation.

To truly understand a child, take a short time and be patient to ask: “How does my child make sense of what just happened?”

Children who are known as manipulative may just be struggling to have some say over what happens to them. From their perspective, it is probably the grown-up who is being manipulative.

How humor can help with parenting?

Humor can be a useful strategy for defusing a stressful situation. Laughter is often a direct result of a shift in perspective.

Invite the child to imitate how you sound when discussing behaviors you would like to see change. This is a way to release tension, let her feel empowered, and make it clear you understand how things seem from her point of view. A benefit package like that is invaluable.

When we cannot honor children’s preferences, it is important that we do our best to understand and acknowledge their perspective. Saying something like, "I guess to you it seems as though..." helps them feel heard, cared about, and unconditionally loved.

Realize that there are many nuances between "constantly" and "never" or "expertly" and "miserably."

Lastly, the author provides a positive assurance for those who are already on the wrong course in parenting. It is never too late to change course. Isn’t it the same for everything in our life that shifts our perspective?

Limitation in cultural perspective

In the appendix, the author acknowledges that he is a white, middle-class American and shares his take on the relevance of culture, class, and race in terms of parenting style. For instance, members of the Gusii tribe in Kenya may be shocked to learn that American mothers will leave their babies crying for a few seconds: "For them, the prevention of infant crying through continuous physical contact provides pragmatic value as well as a moral script for maternal behavior."

Alfie acknowledges that accepting oneself has different significance in different cultures and may even seem like a strange idea in less individualistic cultures.

Autonomy (easing up control) is universally important in parenting (Ryan & Deci; Wendy Grolnick). Autonomy should not be understood as volition or choicefulness. People can be autonomously collectivistic as they can be autonomously individualistic.

Assess Alfie Kohn`s view in an East Asian perspective

To critically assess the view from Alfie Kohn in an East Asian cultural perspective, a good reader should stay aware that children are sometimes expected to develop a close bound with their family all his life. Also be ware that family violence can be experienced differently as a kid in a East Asian culture and a hyper individualistic culture, as a famous proverb goes, beating is intimacy, verbal attack is love. An ignorant white might easily make accusation of Asian parents who hold such belief and unleash aggressive behaviors and words to their kids frequently commit horrendous crime in their own eyes. While such proverb might reflect a high tolerance of a hyper toxic family dynamic, it “does not necessarily” suggests a tolerance of violence done upon a kid as another individual. One might have a better context when observing East Asian parents execute such violence. Usually they also suffer a lot internally when punishing kids. A good reader s also be aware that many of the research is conducted in western developed countries. Ask themselves what is different here can make a few things transformative. Yet there are still many things East Asian parents have to figure out themselves in their real situations not covered in this book.

I found Alfie`s certain perspective particularly valuable in an hyper competitive Eastern Asian society and family to bring more air when this type of dynamics become too suffocating to bear as an individual kid. Some of his perspective can be adapted in an East Asian context by simply changing the expected mode to fit better. Keeping many East Asian norms and social rules in mind, parents are faced with more challenges to deal with stakeholders in a children`s growth journey. It is useful to acknowledge social environment they can change and things they can not. I personally find Alfie`s perspective. on how to work together with schools interesting. Many questions mentioned in Alfie`s books can be used and readapted into the East-Asian context. And it is always helpful to empower kids and see them as an ally to deal w these types of issues in a fitting scenario.

Accept children`s innate power can be a concern, even though it is not the full picture in East Asian family. It is always important to bear in mind about East Asian tradition, what really happen in unique context of East Asian family dynamics and collaborative perspective to overcome hard things. For instance, in close-knitted family culture of East Asian, children are required to show respect for the elderly. In return, the elderly are expected to take care of the young. I personally found his perp. can be limited in t of showing the way children behave not just as an individual but how to collaborate in a close-knit East Asian society and how East Asian parenting style can be improved in the context of large family. For instance, children are expected to fulfil certain social functions. If used and interpreted improperly, Alfies perspective can be used to oppress kids by being a perfect Alfie-style parent. Parents can use “because Alfie say so” to ignore what happen in front of them.

Write at the end

I believe eating processed food to the body is like reading other people`s book notes to the mind. Therefore, it might be a better idea to read Newport`s Deep work yourself. So I attach a link for some of you who want to buy Deep Work here on Indigo for 26 Canadian bucks: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason | Indigo

Steve is a thinker, innovator, practitioner of digital marketing. He writes about productivity, trading, business opportunities and actionable food ideas in his blog: 1000 book notes and food ideas. His background is in digital marketing with expertise in Google ads, Facebook ads and AI-driven content. Based in Toronto, ON, Steve has a master of Digital Experience and Innovation from the University of Waterloo. When he is not hard at work, he likes to reading, writing and trading.